that's a fine kettle of fish

didn't think about what would happen 45 years down the road if unforeseen eco or psycho or technological circumstances forced me and my animal to spend several unstructured days in a small town obsessed with bugs bunny copyright battles, to the point of almost feeling cultish, what with all of the statues, portraits, t-shirts, reruns, carrots, high-fives, in-jokes, and snickering. according to a flyer posted outside of the shelter, robert goulet became the epitome of all that constituted pure entertainment until he was eclipsed by that infamous "crunch all you want, we'll make more" ad campaign by dorito's, coming at the precise moment when the global flow of raw corn became what ag theorists called 'a vast golden river.' other concerns such as dark matter, dark ages, dark horses, data processing, dna, ragu sauces, cola water, and the famous icebergs of the world are viewed as diminishing returns ride again. this is what can happen if small towns lose their original vision! the pioneering spirit morphs into the patience of job. the birth of venus is not painted and creative media loses another dependable touchstone. taoist precepts are ridiculed until li po appears in a vision and tells the anti-copyright warriors that they better start talking turkey or else. bugs goes on to stress the importance of the vanishing point and says that he doesn't care about the all-time high score in asteroids, galaga, moon patrol, caterpillar, or tron. we wish that he did but in this case our wishes could mean almost anything: the straw mattress that k was told to fetch down from the attic, wave-particle consciousness, we are such stuff nightmares are made on, fda recommended daily allowances, that's a fine kettle of fish, bo-peep, by their fruits ye shall savor them, megawattage undetermined, megaplex under construction on the village green where bugs used to hammer everything out

drift

Seen as the first draft of what Flaubert would three versions later finally call the definitive, publishable text of his ‘Sentimental Education’, the ‘Memoirs of a Relatively Sane Individual’ has long been considered as merely his “preface to a troubled teenager's rural existence.” But can a writer’s life really be said to have prefaces? I canvassed the neighborhood in search of opinions and insights. The original crowdsourcing. Feet on the ground. Solid. One fellow a few blocks over, who identified himself only as ‘Karl’, asked if we could sit down on the porch swing together for a few minutes in silence while he thought over his answer. I said sure. It was more than just a few minutes when he finally said that if his parents hadn’t named him Karl they would have probably gone with either Arl, Rl, or L. Not so much a “preface” as a “shortcut to his essence”, he assured me. After a few more minutes of silence he got up and went back inside. As I was walking back down the steps to continue my survey, I heard the door open, turned around, and saw Karl’s head sticking out. “Can one really locate the point at which the author’s real work begins?” he asked quietly. “Can the well-known oeuvre be clearly set off from the early stuff, which would henceforth serve as its simple hor d’oeuvre, so to speak?” “I don’t know,” I responded. “That’s why I’m conducting this survey.” “Come back on to the porch swing,” he said. “I think I might have a definitive answer.” “Ok,” I said, and returned.

After a couple more minutes of silently swaying back and forth in the breeze, listening to the birds and feeling a bit like a child again, partially because the porch swing was extremely high up off the ground and my feet and legs were dangling aimlessly. I almost asked Karl if he had any cookies or Kool-Aid inside. “You realize, right,” he continued, “that the Flaubert who wrote the ‘Memoirs’ was a mere sixteen year old country boy. The text is romantic to the hilt, but nevertheless sets out to attack the values and assumptions of Romanticism. Correct?” “As far as I know, Karl.” “At once naive and sophisticated, talky and declamatory, buzzing with awkwardness, intelligence, and yes, also a slight trace of relative sanity, it simultaneously disconcerts and snares readers, provoking them to also think about their own names reduced letter by letter. What’s your name, by the way?” “William.” “Ok, then, let’s hear you run through the sequence.” “Uh...ok” I said, and proceeded: “Illiam, Lliam, Liam, Iam, Am, and M.” He chuckled loudly and pointed out that one of those was very close to the name of a popular brand of pet food. “I’m not sure if you know this, William, but up until the 1940s, pet food was generally not available in stores, and animals were predominantly fed homemade food, usually table scraps. Paul Iams, an animal nutritionist who graduated from Ohio State University in 1938, founded The Iams Company in 1946 in a small feed mill near Dayton. In 1950, he developed the world’s first animal-based protein-infused dog food and called it Iams 999. In 1969, Paul formulated a new kitten food and named it Eukanuba. Prior to inventing these tasty products, he worked for a number of small family businesses, including his father’s feed store in Dayton, Ohio. I’m not boring you am I?” “Not at all, Karl. Continue.” “In 1973 during the Arab oil embargo, the costs for meat and bone meal tripled, but sale prices were frozen by a nationwide wage and price control issued by then-President Richard Nixon. Iams did not change the product formula during the price freeze mandate and the company nearly went bankrupt. The famous actor Ernest Borgnine, best known for his role as the spirit guide 'Jonathan' on Little House on the Prairie, purchased half of the company in 1975. By 1982, he became the sole owner and president. After expanding the company from $100,000 turnover in 1970 to $900 million in 1999, Ernest sold it to Proctor & Gamble in September 1999. In July 2006, P&G reorganized the Pet Health & Nutrition division into P&G Pet Care.” “Interesting.” “Indeed. In its largest divestiture in five years, Procter & Gamble announced this past April that it is selling most of its Iams, Eukanuba and Natura pet food brands to Mars, Inc. for $2.9 billion in cash. P&G said the deal will allow it to release a slow performer back into the wild and generate serious moolah to concentrate on core businesses. Does this answer your question, William?” “Pretty much. Thanks. By the way, do you have any cookies or Kool-Aid inside?” “I was hoping you’d ask that!” he said with a smile. When he went inside to get them, I bolted. I know it was a rude thing to do, but when I’m crowdsourcing I prefer to get my information from relatively sane individuals.

area adventures

For awhile there I was writing for AREA magazine. Basically I wandered around the city interviewing people at random trying to get them to give me a basic sense of their area, how long they had been in the area, how they really felt about the area, deep down, and if they would recommend the area to friends, family, co-workers, etc. Essentially trying to get a sense if it was still a livable area. Were there good schools in the area? Employment? Social services? Hoboes? Public parks? Dance halls? Public transit? Zoos? Housing? Decent restaurants and grocery stores? Farmland? Excitement? Community? Could a person amble around in the dead of the night and feel safe? Some people were confused by what I meant by the term ‘area’. When that happened I usually just went with the Wikipedia definition: the quantity that expresses the extent of a two-dimensional surface or shape, or planar lamina, in the plane. ‘Area’ can be understood as the amount of material with a given thickness that would be necessary to fashion a model of the shape, or the amount of paint necessary to cover the surface with a single coat. It is the two-dimensional analog of the length of a curve (a one-dimensional concept) or the volume of a solid (a three-dimensional concept). This usually cleared things up pretty quickly. At this point the interview often came to close and I would continue wandering aimlessly, until around dusk, often considered to be the darkest stage of twilight in the evening. During early to intermediate stages of twilight, there may be enough light in the sky under clear conditions to read outdoors without artificial illumination. During later stages, no dice. Civil dusk occurs when the earth rotates to a point at which the center of the sun is at 6° below the local horizon. Twilight comes just after sunset, which is the point at which the earth has rotated just enough that the sun, under clear conditions, is no longer visible on the local horizon. I would usually find a bench overlooking the river and glance over my interview notes with the aid of a flashlight. I didn’t know how long I would be in the area, but I planned on giving it my best shot while I was there. A couple months later I was canned for insubordination to a superior but I continued conducting the interviews because I wanted to learn as much as possible about the general area with the intention of maybe using it as the basis for a series of quick charcoal sketches to submit to the annual summer arts and crafts jamboree. Tony was encouraging me to do some studies of sunyata in watercolor and graphite but he was out of his mind, obviously, with no conception at all of what area shoppers wanted in terms of visual art.

guides to the future

~diverge~ spread out from a point; assume a different course; deflect; wander; digress ~dna~ deoxyribonucleic acid; material carrying genetic information in chromosomes; essence; core ~docent~ well-informed guide, as in a museum or library ~docile~ submissive; easily managed; pliant; meek; gentle; subdued; mild; timid ~doctrine~ something that is taught; body of beliefs; superstitions; biases; guidelines; instructions ~docudrama~ television movie based on real-life events ~dodge~ move quickly to elude a pursuer or blow; evade by cunning or trickery; clever trick or expedient ~doggerel~ poor or trivial verse ~doily~ small ornamental mat of paper or lace used to signify respect or a sense of importance ~dollop~ shapeless lump of food ~dolomite~ mineral or rock of calcium magnesium carbonate ~domino theory~ the belief that one event will cause similar events, like a row of falling thin rectangles marked with 0-6 dots on each half ~doze~ sleep lightly; drowse; snooze ~droop~ sag; hang down; dangle; languish; lose heart; wilt; slump; be dejected ~dull~ tedious; boring; sluggish; slow-moving; listless; monotonous; tiresome; lackluster; torpid ~dumbfound~ make speechless; amaze; shock; surprise; startle; take aback; stun; astonish ~dust~ finely powdered substance ~duty~ moral or legal obligation; responsibility ~dwindle~ become gradually less or smaller; diminish; peter out; taper off; weaken; wane ~dynamic~ energetic; active; vigorous; forceful; spirited; influential; exciting ~eagle~ large bird of prey with keen vision and powerful flight ~ear~ organ of hearing ~earth~ the planet where some of us live ~eat~ take into the mouth, chew, and swallow ~eccentric~ odd or capricious; not centered; peculiar; offbeat; weird; outlandish ~echo~ repetition of a sound by the bounce of molecular structures ~eclair~ small, elongated light pastry filled with whipped cream or custard ~ecstasy~ overwhelming joy or rapture ~effervescent~ fizzy; carbonated; sparkling; bubbly; lively; vivacious ~effigy~ sculpture or model of a person ~effusion~ outpouring; unrestrained verbiage ~eh~ expressing surprise; asking for something to be repeated or explained ~eight~ one more than 7; symbol for this (8, VII, IIX) ~elan~ vivacity; dash; verve; pep; zeal; gusto ~element~ component part; contributing factor or thing ~eleven~ one more than ten; symbol for this (11, XI) ~elf~ small and often mischievous mythological being ~ellipsis~ omission of words within or at the end of a sentence often symbolized by three dots hovering silently in the undefined spacetime of the page, voice, or screen°°° ••• ... ~embellish~ beautify; adorn; add interest to something by inventing fictitious or colorful details ~envelop~ wrap up or surround in its entirety ~epigram~ pointed or witty saying ~epistle~ written letter, esp. a long one on a serious subject ~errata~ error in printing or writing ~exhaust~ consume or use up the whole of; tire out; weary; fritter away; squander; finish ~vacillate~ fluctuate; be irresolute; move from side to side; oscillate ~vacuous~ lacking expression; unintelligent; empty; inane ~vacuum~ space entirely devoid of matter ~vagabond~ wanderer, esp. an idle one; gypsy; hobo; derelict; drifter ~vague~ uncertain or ill-defined; imprecise; inexact; indefinite; unclear; confused; ambiguous; hazy; obscure; blurred; foggy; barely discernible ~valence~ combining power of an atom measured by the number of hydrogen atoms it can displace or combine with ~valve~ device controlling the flow of air or fluid or text through a pipe ~vanish~ disappear; cease to exist; leave no trace; dematerialize; be swallowed up; go by the board; fade away; melt away; dissolve; go poof ~vanity~ conceit about one's appearance or attainments; ostentatious display; futility; meaninglessness; insignificance; irrelevance; empty sound; static ~vapor~ moisture or another substance diffused or suspended in air ~varnish~ resinous solution used to give a hard shiny transparent coating; external appearance or display without a significant underlying reality ~vase~ vessel used as an ornament or container, esp. for sand, flowers, gravel, or sawdust ~veejay~ a curator/programmer/broadcaster of videos ~veer~ change in direction, course, opinion, conduct, or emotions ~velcro~ attaching or fastening agent consisting of two strips of fabric, one looped and one burred, which adhere when pressed together

not astonishing

Several of us were still together as the nutritional era drew to a close. The literary genre here would be one of wearily roaming about, looking for food, shelter, wildlife, machines, art supplies, medication, board games, riddles, and books. A sense of not belonging, or of not having the right sort of belongings. The territory was not astonishing. The music and images summoned up from the ancient past were not relevant. All of this has been clearly set forth in the scientific and dietary literature of the time. Occasionally we had the temerity to make crude scatological jokes at the poor surgeon general and his innocent family's expense. Painful discussions and arguments around the campfire lingered on deep into the night, until even the heartiest conversationalists among us were falling over stiff and mute mid-phrase or mid-sentence. An impartial onlooker might have questioned our goodwill or sanity, or presented us with the metaphor of a person rising from long, troubled sleep and discovering that the community has, overnight, been turned into stone, as if by sorcery.

But we didn't believe in sorcery! We were all hard-nosed empiricists. If only I had forged ahead with my animal-based education, one of us lamented for hours each day. The rest of us had no idea what she was even referring to, but she already had a reputation for saying cryptic or incomprehensible things, so we just nodded, and kept on pondering how we should alter our strategy in the face of th

It probably comes as no surprise that the members of our little group enjoyed cereal. The classics, mainly: mini wheats, fruit loops, barley chips, toasted oats, corn flakes, apple jacks, rice crisps, honey nuggets, bran squares, etc. Our critique of society required a delicate blend of highly specialized fuels. The tagline was not "Sorry, folks, we have nothing concrete to contribute at this point" but "Gather around, folks, we have on offer a cheap and colorful array of products and services designed by a panel of eminent park rangers to enhance your experience of wandering around forlorn in the wilderness."

And then, indeed, as if by sorcery, the cereals appeared out of nowhere. We were simultaneously enchanted and haunted. The literary genre here would be decidedly pastoral-gothic. We chose, wisely I think, to not drill down for hidden meanings and messages. The situation was already sufficiently tense, and additional meanings and messages might very well put a few of our more sensitive team members over the edge.

Eva continued to lament the interruption of her precious animal-based education, and the more sympathetic among us continued wearily nodding along in support, while the less sympathetic had long ago drifted far off into the ragged margins of their own obsolete or extinct personalities, and were probably not hearing or seeing things as clearly as might have been hoped.

los's ballad

The deep of winter came, what time the secret child descended through the orient gates of the eternal day: war ceas’d, and all the troops like shadows fled to their abodes. Then Enitharmon saw her sons and daughters rise around; like pearly clouds they meet together in the crystal house; and Los, possessor of the Moon, joy’d in the peaceful night, thus speaking:

"Anthropology, physics, game theory, chemistry, nutrition, prehistory: the brochure says that these are all legitimate fields of study. Question. Why was the famous legislator pressed down onto his rickety camp bed, as if by an impersonal force of considerable weight and authority? A supplication, perhaps? Answer. Philosophy, religion, psychology, gravity, law, economics. I'll see you in court, a voice whispers. Maybe we'll be on the same side. We'll describe what it's like here to a jury of peers. We'll study their facial tics, body language, costumes, blood pressure, pulse, and vice-versa. Somebody up in the gallery whispers to no one in particular: it's strange how the distinguished legislator just lies there, not struggling, pressed down into his camp bed, as if under the combined weight of many, many steel blankets. Maybe x-rays are being taken? Help me, a weakened voice whispers. I am helping you, another, even weaker, voice whispers. It wishes the room was more like a geological era, closes its eyes, and blows out a few of the candles nearby. The cake has many layers. The luminaries are singing, laughing, dancing, talking, dining, dreaming, and strategizing. Try to relax, a dust mote whispers. The party is doing just fine without you. Consider. But does it make any sense that I'm just LYING HERE in this pit on my birthday? Doesn't have to make sense, silly. But I WANT IT TO MAKE SENSE. That's why I'm trying to help you, your honor. Countless steel blankets on top of numberless failed x-rays equals neither the ostensible weight of the world nor its shadow. Radiology concurs. Anesthesia withdraws.  No voice whispers. No more evidence is introduced at this time. The court rests. Steady breathing. A homeless shelter, of sorts, inside the esteemed legislator, that NEVER CLOSES ITS DOORS and allows all fields of study to stay for as long as they need, no questions asked."

quaint

/ QUAINT: fanciful; curious; odd and antique; dreamlike; singular; whimsical / QUAKE: to shake, tremble, or quiver, as if agitated by the remembrance of a troubling tone poem or image / QUALM: a sudden fit of nausea or twinge of fretful conscience; compunction; where the ragged threads of sleep intersect with the frayed edges of a purposeful life in society / QUANDARY: a state of perplexity experienced upon waking up from what seemed like a simple afternoon nap and finding oneself sitting up in a canvas director's chair out in a wilderness area surrounded by strangers mumbling "action... cut... action... cut... action... etc"; an existential predicament; loss of soul or identity / QUARANTINE: the period during which a new film suspected of being infested with goblins is obliged to forbear all further intercourse with the movie-going public / QUARRY: a place deep within the dream mechanism where the bones of totem animals are excavated from the dross of long past daily experience /