Wednesday, March 13, 2013
(bullet points)
(from richard degen's tao te ching intro)
this book might best be viewed as an overhaul manual for troubled minds:
* minds that are in an unrelenting battle with either nature, their culture, their surroundings or the people they must deal with each day;
* minds that cannot understand why aggressive, take-no-prisoners behavior has not yielded better results;
* minds that have not comprehended how our daily, repeated acts of selfishness deny us the ability to enjoy our lives;
* minds that cannot trace the link between meaningless activity and lack of serenity;
* minds that search for values but only find rules dispensed by spiritual leaders who profess to know the means of attaining happiness in the next life but leave their adherents bewildered as to how to face the realities of this life;
* minds disturbed by philosophers and moralists who have made a shambles of their disciplines by drawing finer and finer distinctions over issues of less and less relevancy.
(...)
before examing taoism in detail, consider first what it has to offer:
* living easily and comfortably in the world is still possible in spite of your daily commute, creditors, the need to make a living, corruption on all fronts and the worries that loved ones invariably cause;
* there is an ancient system that advises how to flow with events rather than fight them;
* this system has proven itself to the extent that billions of people over the course of more than two millennia have practiced it, because it accords with the way humans want to be treated and the way they want to feel about themselves;
* it is free of all ritual;
* there are no requirements for repetitive mental or physical exercises;
* it is based on the lessons of everyday experience rather than theory;
* it does not require the possession of unusual intelligence or an advanced education;
* it is capable of comprehension even though it originated in a foreign culture, and there is no need to learn a second language;
* it is most effective when you most need it.
but where there are benefits, there are also costs:
* without access to the proper text, literature on the subject can take years to decipher (thus the reason for this book);
* the system is not as well known in the west as it should be, consequently there are few people who can assist you or who will be available for the sharing of ideas;
* it requires the exercise of certain virtues (not necessarily the ones you encountered in elementary school), and hence the application of self-discipline;
* one of the virtues is the abandonment of attempts to control and dominate things, and loss of control is something people instinctively fear and avoid;
* it will not let you blame others for your problems, and thus puts itself at odds with many mental health systems and programs;
* inappropriate behavior is not excused or ignored just because it is deemed routine or necessary within your family, organization, or career field;
* it can be difficult to practice until you are willing to trust it, and trust comes slowly;
* because of the foregoing, it is not going to usher in a new age, and society will not be reformed.
(...)
attributes of taoism
it is most helpful, when encountering a new wisdom tradition, to have access to a summary of its most important principles or characteristics. for taoism the list includes:
* possession of a sense of wonder;
* an appreciation of the way nature operates;
* humility as to what can be known and transmitted;
* acknowledgements of the limits of language;
* yielding;
* patience, non-interference, and restraint;
* detachment;
* caring;
* avoidance of the need for recognition;
* action without action;
* elimination of cravings;
* dwelling in the present moment.
(...)
east vs. west
while characteristics I assign to the east or west are certainly not unknown to the other, and speaking in generalities is an invitation to criticism, differences in kind or degree do exist in spite of much that is shared. in studying the tao te ching, you will immediately notice thought patterns that are not a common part of the western approach to life:
* eastern wisdom traditions tend to view a thing as part of a cycle, thus the study of cycles and the placement of each phenomenon within the correct cycle are considered fundamental to understanding. western cultures tend to see processes as heading in a generally linear path toward a final resolution.
(...)
finding opportunity in every moment
you will recall that one of the listed attributes of taoism was "dwelling in the present moment." that practice makes possible what can be called "finding opportunity every moment." the yin/yang-conscious chinese of the tao te ching would have attributed the finding of opportunity every moment to the power inherent in those who follow the way. more specifically, however, they would have attributed the finding of opportunity every moment to the ability of a fit person to flow with the movement and unveiling of the way through the positive/negative, good/bad, no action/action, being/nonbeing continuous interchange to which the things of the world are subject. for instance, the chinese image for "crisis" combines the characters that represent danger and opportunity. we are to understand from this that when an unwelcome event occurs you will be presented with the choice of taking one of two paths: the first will bring protracted harm or injury; the second will lead to an unexpected benefit or a new advantage.
in modern western terms we might rephrase the yin/yang concept as follows: nature is astonishingly complex- much more complex than previous generations could have imagined. hence, no circumstance is presented as either wholly beneficial or wholly detrimental, but rather as a melding of the two. the result is that, with the correct attitude, it is possible to consciously extract from each moment that which is beneficial, and then carom, or daisy-chain that opportunity to the next, moment-by-moment.
you can witness to your own satisfaction the finding of opportunity every moment. simply note everything that bothers you in a given time frame. as each incident arises, stop and ask yourself: what is the upside? what would have been the result if this issue had not arisen and I had not learned from it? what would have been the result if this problem had not allowed me to see the benefit that lay hidden within it?
of course, constant changing of direction means there will be no predictability, but change is going to occur whether welcomed or not. science has shown that not a single complex system permits long-term predictability, no matter what efforts are undertaken to monitor such a system.
the reason for this phenomenon is that, in such a non-linear system, an indeterminate number of inconceivably small effects may produce an indeterminate number of greater effects, and this cycle may be repeated an indeterminate number of times, making it impossible to forecast a likely result. to further compound matters, we live in not one, but a web of complex systems, each impacting the rest. thus, the flapping of a butterfly's wings in south america can be insignificant, or the trigger that causes a tornado in oklahoma.
your own experience confirms this lack of predictability: an inappropriate word, a chance meeting, a glance, a momentary lapse of concentration can all spell a different future for you and possibly many others.
since unpredictability is a fact of life, the challenge that taoism so successfully meets is to tell us how to deal with it to our advantage so as to make unpredictability an opportunity and not a liability. in short, it raises the concepts of flexibility and spontaneity to a new level.
(...)
eavesdropping on phil and sarah again
<<< do you have any more apple juice?
<<< sorry. I finished it.
<<< we'll get more.
<<< yeah. eventually.
<<< as in "the big event" of the day?
<<< maybe so.
<<< has it ever occurred to you that the confrontational nature of super rigid black and white thinking might be massively unhealthy?
<<< of course it has, phil. I was born during the day but I wasn't born yesterday.
<<< or that certain religions are biased? even my beloved taoism or your beloved buddhism?
<<< again- ain't no news flash.
<<< or that all and any forms, even the mildest, of what might be called "conspicuous consumption" are wrecking the earth? wrecking the innocence of many vulnerable sentient beings?
<<< I think the earth might be a little more resilient than you're giving it credit for.
<<< that's an optimistic position.
<<< is it?
(long pause. phil takes an energy bar out of his shoulder bag, unwraps it, and eats it.)
<<< franny posits that chanting is not more holy than the murmuring of a stream, even a polluted one, or that counting one's prayer beads is no more sacred than normal everyday breathing.
<<< she's a weird one, that franny.
<<< or that colorful religious robes and scarves are no more "spiritual" than plain civilian clothes.
<<< you can get all of that stuff at the thrift store, you know.
<<< yeah, I know.
(pause)
<<< so you're sayin' that there are two approaches to authentic (and I know you hate this word) "spiritual" cultivation?
<<< I never said anything like that!
<<< but you implied it! the first was the affirmative approach which accepts and includes everything with a positive attitude. from a quote "ethical" standpoint, it means extending universal virtue to all, regardless of any external condition. isn't this different from the relative, affirmative attitude that is expounded by certain denominations or sects which include some things or people and callously exclude others?
<<< it does seem a little bit different.
<<< anyways, the second approach to this business of (sorry) quote "spiritual" growth involves the flat out denial of all things external to one's own quote "true" nature.
<<< what the fuck are you talking about?
<<< let me finish- this includes but is not limited to the denial of all creations, all individuality, and all conditions. only by telling these things to go "take a hike" can one unveil and unfold layer after layer after near-endless layer of illusion.
<<< if you say so.
<<< I say so! it may seem paradoxical, but the attitudes of affirmation and denial essentially amount to the same exact thing!
<<< sarah, hun, I'm getting a little concerned about you.
<<< no need- just let me finish- people like franny and tom and sometimes even nathalie accept all and deny all at the very same time! they say that if you deny all that is external to your true nature, you eliminate mental entanglement and contamination and thereby raise your overall awareness of the world situation to a more subtle level. but guess what? the same thing happens by accepting all things without any partiality towards one particular thing!
<<< that's impossible.
<<< agreed, but that doesn't make it any less true!
<<< ok- let me see if I'm getting this- you're saying that all of a person's viewpoints, concepts about life, self, god, science, history, politics, others, etc are more or less a bizarre tangle elicited from random events selected randomly from his or her own "personal journey"?
<<< not exactly.
<<< which implies, does it not, that if one's mind is strongly conditioned in this way, it is as if one measures everything with a crooked ruler?
<<< sorta.
<<< would you prefer a straight ruler?
<<< not sure.
<<< what about all that stuff regarding "accepting everything under the sun with open arms"?
<<< it's using "acceptance" in a very particular way.
<<< should we bust out the dictionary?
<<< no, it's more delicate than the mere definition- hey- I'm gonna run across the street and pick up a little more apple juice- you want anything?
<<< naw.
<<< ok- be right back.
<<< sorry. I finished it.
<<< we'll get more.
<<< yeah. eventually.
<<< as in "the big event" of the day?
<<< maybe so.
<<< has it ever occurred to you that the confrontational nature of super rigid black and white thinking might be massively unhealthy?
<<< of course it has, phil. I was born during the day but I wasn't born yesterday.
<<< or that certain religions are biased? even my beloved taoism or your beloved buddhism?
<<< again- ain't no news flash.
<<< or that all and any forms, even the mildest, of what might be called "conspicuous consumption" are wrecking the earth? wrecking the innocence of many vulnerable sentient beings?
<<< I think the earth might be a little more resilient than you're giving it credit for.
<<< that's an optimistic position.
<<< is it?
(long pause. phil takes an energy bar out of his shoulder bag, unwraps it, and eats it.)
<<< franny posits that chanting is not more holy than the murmuring of a stream, even a polluted one, or that counting one's prayer beads is no more sacred than normal everyday breathing.
<<< she's a weird one, that franny.
<<< or that colorful religious robes and scarves are no more "spiritual" than plain civilian clothes.
<<< you can get all of that stuff at the thrift store, you know.
<<< yeah, I know.
(pause)
<<< so you're sayin' that there are two approaches to authentic (and I know you hate this word) "spiritual" cultivation?
<<< I never said anything like that!
<<< but you implied it! the first was the affirmative approach which accepts and includes everything with a positive attitude. from a quote "ethical" standpoint, it means extending universal virtue to all, regardless of any external condition. isn't this different from the relative, affirmative attitude that is expounded by certain denominations or sects which include some things or people and callously exclude others?
<<< it does seem a little bit different.
<<< anyways, the second approach to this business of (sorry) quote "spiritual" growth involves the flat out denial of all things external to one's own quote "true" nature.
<<< what the fuck are you talking about?
<<< let me finish- this includes but is not limited to the denial of all creations, all individuality, and all conditions. only by telling these things to go "take a hike" can one unveil and unfold layer after layer after near-endless layer of illusion.
<<< if you say so.
<<< I say so! it may seem paradoxical, but the attitudes of affirmation and denial essentially amount to the same exact thing!
<<< sarah, hun, I'm getting a little concerned about you.
<<< no need- just let me finish- people like franny and tom and sometimes even nathalie accept all and deny all at the very same time! they say that if you deny all that is external to your true nature, you eliminate mental entanglement and contamination and thereby raise your overall awareness of the world situation to a more subtle level. but guess what? the same thing happens by accepting all things without any partiality towards one particular thing!
<<< that's impossible.
<<< agreed, but that doesn't make it any less true!
<<< ok- let me see if I'm getting this- you're saying that all of a person's viewpoints, concepts about life, self, god, science, history, politics, others, etc are more or less a bizarre tangle elicited from random events selected randomly from his or her own "personal journey"?
<<< not exactly.
<<< which implies, does it not, that if one's mind is strongly conditioned in this way, it is as if one measures everything with a crooked ruler?
<<< sorta.
<<< would you prefer a straight ruler?
<<< not sure.
<<< what about all that stuff regarding "accepting everything under the sun with open arms"?
<<< it's using "acceptance" in a very particular way.
<<< should we bust out the dictionary?
<<< no, it's more delicate than the mere definition- hey- I'm gonna run across the street and pick up a little more apple juice- you want anything?
<<< naw.
<<< ok- be right back.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
pocket webster
decompression- 1 gradual reduction of air pressure on a deep-sea society. 2 excitement at the prospect of boring holes in the atmosphere.
deep- 1 extending far down or into. 2 low-pitched; full toned. 3 intense; extreme; heartfelt; absorbing. 4 profound; difficult to understand. 5 exciting insofar as the context includes unnamed or uncharted wilderness.
deescalate- 1 reduce the level or intensity of. 2 imploring gaze directed at the new chief executive officer.
defeatism- 1 excessive readiness to accept the inevitable. 2 the inverse of why mineral life begins to move to the fore.
defecate- 1 discharge of waste material. 2 anonymous gift-giving.
definite- 1 having exact and discernible limits. 2 clear and distinct; not vague. 3 to request that the infinite go "take a hike" or "pull its thumb out of its ass."
deflect- 1 bend or turn aside from a course or purpose. 2 to receive a reflection and simultaneously throw it against a brick wall with the intention of breaking it.
deify- 1 make a god of. 2 regard or worship as a god. 3 turn towards in a moment of confusion or boredom.
deliberation- 1 careful consideration. 2 discussion. 3 caution and care, esp. in the event of the imminet collapse of society.
delicatessen- store selling cooked meats, cheeses, stews, sauces, porridges, sponge cakes, etc.
delirium- 1 disorder involving incoherence, hallucinations, etc. 2 the state of falling into ecstasy upon the acquisition of new apple products.
dell- small wooded hollow or valley.
deluge- 1 massive flood. 2 great outpouring of words spoken over a telephone.
delusion- 1 false belief or impression. 2 a generalized state of affairs.
denial- 1 denying the truth or existence of. 2 refusal of a request or wish. 3 the generalized state of affairs.
denim- 1 sturdy or hard-wearing cotton twill fabric. 2 people discovered floating over the earth.
denouement- 1 final unraveling of a plot or complicated situation. 2 an old-fashioned slumber party.
depreciation- 1 amount of wear and tear for which a reduction may be made in valuation. 2 the old-fashioned sense of "plain dealing".
derelict- (adj) 1 abandoned; ownerless; blissed out; ruined; dilapidated; excited. (n) 2 social outcast, vagrant, tramp, loafer, malingerer, vagabond, hobo.
derision- 1 ridicule; mockery. 2 living alone in the boathouse
derivative- derived from another source; not orginal; borrowed; secondhand; by-product; laughable.
description- representation of a silly thing through the use of silly words.
desert- dry, barren, often sand-covered area of land; uninteresting or barren subject; uninhabited; desolate; enormous sense of potential.
desolate- left alone; solitary; uninhabited; dreary; forlorn; wretched; lonely; isolated; deserted; neglected; forsaken; miserable; disconsolate; inconsolable; hopeless; springing up out of bed in the face of oblivion.
desperate- 1 reckless or dangerous from despair. 2 staking all on a small chance. 3 needing or desiring very much. 4 the 21st century.
destitute- completely impoverished; lacking
desultory- 1 going from one subject to another, esp. half-heartedly; disconnected; superficial 2 a certain attitude or approach regarding the online "community".
detour- divergence from a direct or intended route, plan, or strategy.
deuterium- stable isotope of hydrogen.
device- 1 thing made or adapted for a particular purpose. 2 plan, scheme, or trick.
devolve- pass work or duties onto a small fry or deputy.
dewberry- small bluish fruit very much like an old-fashioned blackberry; hand-held machine; beads of early morning moisture coating newly excavated dinosaur bones.
diagnosis- identification of enormous financial incentive.
diarrhea- excessively loose adaptations.
diastole- normal rhythmic expansion of the heart's chambers as they fill with petroleum.
dice- small cube-like objects with faces bearing 1-6 cute little dots used for making important decisions such as career paths, anonymous downloads, and childbirth.
dictionary- no known referent.
die- cease to live, cease to function, expire, be exhausted, come to an end.
diffident- shy; lacking self-confidence.
digest- 1 assimilate food in the stomach and bowels. 2 understand and assimilate mentally. 3 reduce to a systematic or convenient format; classify; summarize; gaze out into the absolute nothingness.
dignity- composed and serious manner or style; familiar with absolutely nothing.
dilation- widening or expansion of a hollow organ or cavity.
dim- faintly luminous; obscure; ill-defined; fuzzy; foggy; obtuse; doltish; shadowy; weak; imperceptible; dark.
din- prolonged loud and distracting noise or word exercise; clamor; uproar; shouting; babel; commotion; racket; hullabaloo; utter nonsense.
dirt- unclean matter that soils; simple earth; scurrilous information or gossip.
disabuse- free from a mistaken idea
disappear- cease to be visible; cease to exist or be in circulation or use.
disappear- cease to be visible; cease to exist or be in circulation or.
disappear- cease to be visible; cease to exist or be in circulati.
disappear- cease to be vi.
disa
discard- reject as unwanted.
discern- perceive clearly with the mind or the senses.
disclose- make known; expose to view
disco- popular dance music characterized by a heavy bass rhythm.
disconnect- break the connection or functioning (of things, ideas, persons, etc.)
discontinue- come or bring to an end.
discount- disregard as unreliable, unimportant, ridiculous.
discover- find out or become aware of.
discredit- cause to be disbelieved.
discus- heavy disc thrown in competition.
disease- unhealthy condition of a body, mind, or machine.
disengage- detach, free, loosen, or separate.
disgust- strong aversion; repugnance.
dishwasher- person or machine employed to wash dishes.
dismantle- take to pieces; pull down.
disorganize- destroy the system or order of.
disparate- things so unalike that there is no basis for their comparison.
disperse- go, send, drive, post, or distribute in different directions or widely.
disposable- intended to be used once, then thrown away.
disquisition- long or elaborate treatise or discourse on the meaning of certain words in the dictionary.
disrupt- interrupt the flow or continuity of.
dissemble- conceal one's motives.
distant- far away in space or time.
distinguish- see or draw distinctions between; differentiate.
distort- put out of shape; misrepresent; twist; warp; alter; deform.
distract- amuse, esp. to take attention from pain, worry, or madness.
disturb- break the calm, rest, or quiet of.
ditch- 1 (n) long, narrow excavated channel. 2 (v) leave in the lurch; abandon.
ditty- short simple song.
dizzy- giddy; confused; the sense that the universe in unraveling in a semi-meaningless fashion.
do- perform; carry out.
dollop- shapeless lump of food, image, or text.
dolomite- mineral or rock of calcium magnesium carbonate; the primary raw material of which most computers are made; the very thing in front of your eyes and perhaps under your hands.
done- completed.
not yet.
but larry, I'm growing weary. I think the readers are also.
you think they've hung in there this long?
a few of them probably have.
which ones?
look, larry- it wouldn't be right to name names.
but isn't that what you've been doing?
look, let's just get this post over and done with-
ok-
doodad- fancy article or ornament; gadget.
doom- grim fate or destiny.
larry, c'mon! people don't wanna hear about that!
shut up- let me finish-
dormouse- small, mouselike hibernating rodent having a long bushy tail.
dose- single portion of medicine.
dot- .
dots- :
dotard- senile person.
drachma- chief monetary unit of greece.
drag- pull along with effort; allow to trail along on the ground; this very attempt; search the bottom of a body of water; draw on a cigarette; obstruction to progress; tiresome person, duty, performance, etc; women's clothes worn by men.
are you done yet?
are you done yet
are you done ye
are you done y
are you done
are you don
no, I'm larry.
are you do
are you d
are you
no.
d
du
dud
dude
dude,
dude, I
dude, I'
dude, I'm
dude, I'm j
dude, I'm ju
dude, I'm jus
ok, ok, ok- I get it- you're just getting started.
dragon- mythical monster, usu. depicted as a fire-breathing, winged reptile.
dragonfly- insect with a long body and two pairs of transparent wings.
drain- draw off liquid from; flow or trickle away; exhaust; constant outflow or expenditure.
drake- male duck.
drama- this or that person walking into or out of a room.
draw- sketch out for a stranger to encounter at a much later moment in time.
dreadlocks- hair twisted into tight braids hanging down on all sides.
dream- pictures or events in the mind of a sleeper; whatever is happening now; whatever is happening here.
drip- fall or let fall in drops; be so wet as to shed drops; drop of liquid; dull or ineffective person.
take a hint, larry.
almost done.
drone- speak or utter monotonously.
quite while you're ahead, dude-
drool- drivel; slobber; show much pleasure or infatuation.
droop- lose heart; be dejected
dropout- person or thing which has withdrawn without a whole lot of ceremony.
dross- refuse: scum from melted metals.
drought- prolonged absence of laughter.
drowsy- half-asleep; dozing; sluggish.
drudge- servile worker, esp. at menial or repetitive tasks.
drug- medicinal substance; the early 21st century.
drum- the phenomenon of having certain things pounded into one's skull.
dst- daylight savings time.
dt- delirium tremens.
dude- look- I'm serious- nobody is reading this anymore!!!
almost finished-
yeah, you said that about an hour ago!
stop interrupting!
dude- dandy; vacationer on a ranch; fellow; guy;
dungeon- underground prison cell.
dupe- 1 (n) victim of deception. 2 (v) deceive, outwit, trick, make a fool of.
duration- length of time for which something continues.
dusk- final stage of twilight.
thank heavens.
dustpan- receptacle for brushed up dust.
now you're talkin'!
duty- moral or legal obligation.
yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it.
dweeb- socially inept person.
no kidding.
dwindle- become gradually smaller, lesser, or quieter.
let's see some performance art now, dude!
dynamism- energy; vigor; vitality.
yeah, but-
ok, larry. I'm finished.
you wanna head down to the library?
of course.
ok, let me just gather my things.
(gerald gathers his things)
(larry watches him with a strange look on his face.)
hey- what's up with the strange look on your face?
it's just my normal look, gerald.
oh- sorry.
no problem.
no problem indeed.
let's get going, shall we? it's not like we've got all the time in the world, ya know!
yeah, I know.
bring your dictionary.
deep- 1 extending far down or into. 2 low-pitched; full toned. 3 intense; extreme; heartfelt; absorbing. 4 profound; difficult to understand. 5 exciting insofar as the context includes unnamed or uncharted wilderness.
deescalate- 1 reduce the level or intensity of. 2 imploring gaze directed at the new chief executive officer.
defeatism- 1 excessive readiness to accept the inevitable. 2 the inverse of why mineral life begins to move to the fore.
defecate- 1 discharge of waste material. 2 anonymous gift-giving.
definite- 1 having exact and discernible limits. 2 clear and distinct; not vague. 3 to request that the infinite go "take a hike" or "pull its thumb out of its ass."
deflect- 1 bend or turn aside from a course or purpose. 2 to receive a reflection and simultaneously throw it against a brick wall with the intention of breaking it.
deify- 1 make a god of. 2 regard or worship as a god. 3 turn towards in a moment of confusion or boredom.
deliberation- 1 careful consideration. 2 discussion. 3 caution and care, esp. in the event of the imminet collapse of society.
delicatessen- store selling cooked meats, cheeses, stews, sauces, porridges, sponge cakes, etc.
delirium- 1 disorder involving incoherence, hallucinations, etc. 2 the state of falling into ecstasy upon the acquisition of new apple products.
dell- small wooded hollow or valley.
deluge- 1 massive flood. 2 great outpouring of words spoken over a telephone.
delusion- 1 false belief or impression. 2 a generalized state of affairs.
denial- 1 denying the truth or existence of. 2 refusal of a request or wish. 3 the generalized state of affairs.
denim- 1 sturdy or hard-wearing cotton twill fabric. 2 people discovered floating over the earth.
denouement- 1 final unraveling of a plot or complicated situation. 2 an old-fashioned slumber party.
depreciation- 1 amount of wear and tear for which a reduction may be made in valuation. 2 the old-fashioned sense of "plain dealing".
derelict- (adj) 1 abandoned; ownerless; blissed out; ruined; dilapidated; excited. (n) 2 social outcast, vagrant, tramp, loafer, malingerer, vagabond, hobo.
derision- 1 ridicule; mockery. 2 living alone in the boathouse
derivative- derived from another source; not orginal; borrowed; secondhand; by-product; laughable.
description- representation of a silly thing through the use of silly words.
desert- dry, barren, often sand-covered area of land; uninteresting or barren subject; uninhabited; desolate; enormous sense of potential.
desolate- left alone; solitary; uninhabited; dreary; forlorn; wretched; lonely; isolated; deserted; neglected; forsaken; miserable; disconsolate; inconsolable; hopeless; springing up out of bed in the face of oblivion.
desperate- 1 reckless or dangerous from despair. 2 staking all on a small chance. 3 needing or desiring very much. 4 the 21st century.
destitute- completely impoverished; lacking
desultory- 1 going from one subject to another, esp. half-heartedly; disconnected; superficial 2 a certain attitude or approach regarding the online "community".
detour- divergence from a direct or intended route, plan, or strategy.
deuterium- stable isotope of hydrogen.
device- 1 thing made or adapted for a particular purpose. 2 plan, scheme, or trick.
devolve- pass work or duties onto a small fry or deputy.
dewberry- small bluish fruit very much like an old-fashioned blackberry; hand-held machine; beads of early morning moisture coating newly excavated dinosaur bones.
diagnosis- identification of enormous financial incentive.
diarrhea- excessively loose adaptations.
diastole- normal rhythmic expansion of the heart's chambers as they fill with petroleum.
dice- small cube-like objects with faces bearing 1-6 cute little dots used for making important decisions such as career paths, anonymous downloads, and childbirth.
dictionary- no known referent.
die- cease to live, cease to function, expire, be exhausted, come to an end.
diffident- shy; lacking self-confidence.
digest- 1 assimilate food in the stomach and bowels. 2 understand and assimilate mentally. 3 reduce to a systematic or convenient format; classify; summarize; gaze out into the absolute nothingness.
dignity- composed and serious manner or style; familiar with absolutely nothing.
dilation- widening or expansion of a hollow organ or cavity.
dim- faintly luminous; obscure; ill-defined; fuzzy; foggy; obtuse; doltish; shadowy; weak; imperceptible; dark.
din- prolonged loud and distracting noise or word exercise; clamor; uproar; shouting; babel; commotion; racket; hullabaloo; utter nonsense.
dirt- unclean matter that soils; simple earth; scurrilous information or gossip.
disabuse- free from a mistaken idea
disappear- cease to be visible; cease to exist or be in circulation or use.
disappear- cease to be visible; cease to exist or be in circulation or.
disappear- cease to be visible; cease to exist or be in circulati.
disappear- cease to be vi.
disa
discard- reject as unwanted.
discern- perceive clearly with the mind or the senses.
disclose- make known; expose to view
disco- popular dance music characterized by a heavy bass rhythm.
disconnect- break the connection or functioning (of things, ideas, persons, etc.)
discontinue- come or bring to an end.
discount- disregard as unreliable, unimportant, ridiculous.
discover- find out or become aware of.
discredit- cause to be disbelieved.
discus- heavy disc thrown in competition.
disease- unhealthy condition of a body, mind, or machine.
disengage- detach, free, loosen, or separate.
disgust- strong aversion; repugnance.
dishwasher- person or machine employed to wash dishes.
dismantle- take to pieces; pull down.
disorganize- destroy the system or order of.
disparate- things so unalike that there is no basis for their comparison.
disperse- go, send, drive, post, or distribute in different directions or widely.
disposable- intended to be used once, then thrown away.
disquisition- long or elaborate treatise or discourse on the meaning of certain words in the dictionary.
disrupt- interrupt the flow or continuity of.
dissemble- conceal one's motives.
distant- far away in space or time.
distinguish- see or draw distinctions between; differentiate.
distort- put out of shape; misrepresent; twist; warp; alter; deform.
distract- amuse, esp. to take attention from pain, worry, or madness.
disturb- break the calm, rest, or quiet of.
ditch- 1 (n) long, narrow excavated channel. 2 (v) leave in the lurch; abandon.
ditty- short simple song.
dizzy- giddy; confused; the sense that the universe in unraveling in a semi-meaningless fashion.
do- perform; carry out.
dollop- shapeless lump of food, image, or text.
dolomite- mineral or rock of calcium magnesium carbonate; the primary raw material of which most computers are made; the very thing in front of your eyes and perhaps under your hands.
done- completed.
not yet.
but larry, I'm growing weary. I think the readers are also.
you think they've hung in there this long?
a few of them probably have.
which ones?
look, larry- it wouldn't be right to name names.
but isn't that what you've been doing?
look, let's just get this post over and done with-
ok-
doodad- fancy article or ornament; gadget.
doom- grim fate or destiny.
larry, c'mon! people don't wanna hear about that!
shut up- let me finish-
dormouse- small, mouselike hibernating rodent having a long bushy tail.
dose- single portion of medicine.
dot- .
dots- :
dotard- senile person.
drachma- chief monetary unit of greece.
drag- pull along with effort; allow to trail along on the ground; this very attempt; search the bottom of a body of water; draw on a cigarette; obstruction to progress; tiresome person, duty, performance, etc; women's clothes worn by men.
are you done yet?
are you done yet
are you done ye
are you done y
are you done
are you don
no, I'm larry.
are you do
are you d
are you
no.
d
du
dud
dude
dude,
dude, I
dude, I'
dude, I'm
dude, I'm j
dude, I'm ju
dude, I'm jus
ok, ok, ok- I get it- you're just getting started.
dragon- mythical monster, usu. depicted as a fire-breathing, winged reptile.
dragonfly- insect with a long body and two pairs of transparent wings.
drain- draw off liquid from; flow or trickle away; exhaust; constant outflow or expenditure.
drake- male duck.
drama- this or that person walking into or out of a room.
draw- sketch out for a stranger to encounter at a much later moment in time.
dreadlocks- hair twisted into tight braids hanging down on all sides.
dream- pictures or events in the mind of a sleeper; whatever is happening now; whatever is happening here.
drip- fall or let fall in drops; be so wet as to shed drops; drop of liquid; dull or ineffective person.
take a hint, larry.
almost done.
drone- speak or utter monotonously.
quite while you're ahead, dude-
drool- drivel; slobber; show much pleasure or infatuation.
droop- lose heart; be dejected
dropout- person or thing which has withdrawn without a whole lot of ceremony.
dross- refuse: scum from melted metals.
drought- prolonged absence of laughter.
drowsy- half-asleep; dozing; sluggish.
drudge- servile worker, esp. at menial or repetitive tasks.
drug- medicinal substance; the early 21st century.
drum- the phenomenon of having certain things pounded into one's skull.
dst- daylight savings time.
dt- delirium tremens.
dude- look- I'm serious- nobody is reading this anymore!!!
almost finished-
yeah, you said that about an hour ago!
stop interrupting!
dude- dandy; vacationer on a ranch; fellow; guy;
dungeon- underground prison cell.
dupe- 1 (n) victim of deception. 2 (v) deceive, outwit, trick, make a fool of.
duration- length of time for which something continues.
dusk- final stage of twilight.
thank heavens.
dustpan- receptacle for brushed up dust.
now you're talkin'!
duty- moral or legal obligation.
yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it.
dweeb- socially inept person.
no kidding.
dwindle- become gradually smaller, lesser, or quieter.
let's see some performance art now, dude!
dynamism- energy; vigor; vitality.
yeah, but-
ok, larry. I'm finished.
you wanna head down to the library?
of course.
ok, let me just gather my things.
(gerald gathers his things)
(larry watches him with a strange look on his face.)
hey- what's up with the strange look on your face?
it's just my normal look, gerald.
oh- sorry.
no problem.
no problem indeed.
let's get going, shall we? it's not like we've got all the time in the world, ya know!
yeah, I know.
bring your dictionary.
Monday, March 11, 2013
where is barnabas when you need him?
came upon her for the first time when she was dozing in the back of a car with her animal; some ancient species from ireland that she wasn't terribly forthcoming about; under the el tracks, near jackson, alongside the bookmonger's wagon; suddenly felt the strong desire to sink into profound sleep just like her! pounded/sifted/ exhausted by too many recent dance-floor type images; can't tell the wily monger what I'm really after these days; cleaned out his basement in exchange for some medicine, told him all about the portrait of the other old woman sleeping, at intuit, the local gallery for primitive/outsider art, above the blue line, near the intersection of chicago, milwaukee, and some other important avenue that I can't think of right now... too exhausted... sorry about that... tried to connect with too many classic old school drifters... they didn't hold anything back... revealed to me their entire life stories... including this anonymous woman still asleep in the car... how she helped them... how she gave one of them the prescription eyeglasses right off of her face (a pretty close match, apparently) saying with a dismissive gesture that she had another pair in the glove box... we arrived late at night, indeed, the village was still buried in snow, the inn had room in the attic, a few tattered blankets and pillows, I stepped on somebody's hand but he or she didn't make a sound or a stir, that's how relaxed they get up here, their sleep must indeed be something almost approaching divinity. good food, good shelter, good books, good activity- a snapshot of us in the very moment we decided to leave polite civilization behind.
the next moment we came back for a few key things we'd forgotten and tony, against our will, hooked us up with more permanent lodgings. how much time we had before the last of the meds and the money ran out was uncertain- something to think about late at night lying on one's back alone in the dark, the faint roar from the interstate dying off a little more with each passing hour. they play music downstairs, and they screen films on the weekends, and on major holidays the neighbors come by with their children and touchscreens. puddings, pastas, the usual. spices, sauces, salads, etc. we left the city at the last possible minute. it was crushing us, literally, between its thumb and its forefinger. I thought we were stronger, you know, more resilient than that- the bookmonger had a whole stack of wilderness survival guides and brochures. should have undertaken those studies when we still had a fighting chance, but oh well- can't tell the innkeeper what we're really even after these days- wish we could- honest to god- would like to be friends with the fellow- but his job makes it impossible for him to appreciate people like us, and because of that, I don't blame him, and I don't take his foul language or diatribes personally.
(here's just one recent example.)
"...terrifying, carol... in no way did I not try to remember you!!! it requires constant hard work just to survive in this god-damned bunker mentality!!! learned a new language so as to get closer to your so-called species of origin- utterly strange... haunted... silent... desolate to the point of mother-fucking oblivion!!! didn't have, want, need, require, sequester, revoke, seduce, transform, question, or pardon- never allowed those complexities- never even visited the alleged point of departure. jumping up and down!!! in pain... excitement... reversals in a new order of magnitude not to be so quickly or easily charted!!! terrifying!!! oblique!!! not to be missed or re-broadcast!!! carol, in no way did I not desire to follow you!!! even if that meant crumbling breadlines over the city-life's pock-ridden intestines!!! gave them to understand, in subtle ways, and took them to comprehend in mere seconds... that's the new situation here, whether it makes sense or not..."
(see what I mean, people?)
the next moment we came back for a few key things we'd forgotten and tony, against our will, hooked us up with more permanent lodgings. how much time we had before the last of the meds and the money ran out was uncertain- something to think about late at night lying on one's back alone in the dark, the faint roar from the interstate dying off a little more with each passing hour. they play music downstairs, and they screen films on the weekends, and on major holidays the neighbors come by with their children and touchscreens. puddings, pastas, the usual. spices, sauces, salads, etc. we left the city at the last possible minute. it was crushing us, literally, between its thumb and its forefinger. I thought we were stronger, you know, more resilient than that- the bookmonger had a whole stack of wilderness survival guides and brochures. should have undertaken those studies when we still had a fighting chance, but oh well- can't tell the innkeeper what we're really even after these days- wish we could- honest to god- would like to be friends with the fellow- but his job makes it impossible for him to appreciate people like us, and because of that, I don't blame him, and I don't take his foul language or diatribes personally.
(here's just one recent example.)
"...terrifying, carol... in no way did I not try to remember you!!! it requires constant hard work just to survive in this god-damned bunker mentality!!! learned a new language so as to get closer to your so-called species of origin- utterly strange... haunted... silent... desolate to the point of mother-fucking oblivion!!! didn't have, want, need, require, sequester, revoke, seduce, transform, question, or pardon- never allowed those complexities- never even visited the alleged point of departure. jumping up and down!!! in pain... excitement... reversals in a new order of magnitude not to be so quickly or easily charted!!! terrifying!!! oblique!!! not to be missed or re-broadcast!!! carol, in no way did I not desire to follow you!!! even if that meant crumbling breadlines over the city-life's pock-ridden intestines!!! gave them to understand, in subtle ways, and took them to comprehend in mere seconds... that's the new situation here, whether it makes sense or not..."
(see what I mean, people?)
slide the keys under the door
the answer to the difficult question was: maybe.
the other answer was: it depends.
nathalie, it turns out, wasn't terribly fond of those answers. I joined the creative writing faculty at bizan university and it turns out that she wasn't terribly fond of that activity, either.
she wanted other activities, maybe.
more refined? it depends.
we all have different tastes when it comes to education, whether it be higher or lower.
the difficult problem kept coming back, again and again, and it makes sense that we would start to look for a solution in earnest.
one of these solutions involved living out in a wilderness area, far away from other people, far away from the internet, grocery stores, cell phone towers, electric hook-ups, tv, etc.
but we really liked all these things and weren't quite ready to part with them!
even if this was the one solution that would probably work, we really liked these things and weren't quite ready to part with them!
one of the other potential solutions involved doctors, medicines, clinics, driving long distances, and selling almost all of our worldly possessions.
this wasn't very appealing either, but for totally different reasons, of course.
we were in a serious bind!
was almost starting to look like one of your classic lose-lose situations!
I left the creative writing faculty at bizan university because I couldn't keep my mind focused on the duties and people at hand. although they seemed to sorta like me on a personal level, most of my colleagues and students agreed that I probably wasn't tenure material. this wasn't easy to hear, believe it or not, even for someone like me who ostensibly values and cultivates "radical honesty." I quietly packed up my books and drove home around midnight, leaving the keys under the office door for whoever would be using it next.
I needed other activities, maybe.
less refined? it depends.
we all have different tastes when it comes to preferred reading material, and that's precisely the way that it should be- the folks at bizan had probably taught me everything that they could, and maybe the inverse was also true- who can finally say? as writers we are accustomed to groping around in the dark-
one of the other less likely but also potential solutions involved living in beijing for a couple of years. technically that's about as far from a wilderness area as one can possibly get, but for a person like me it represented a pretty serious move- the internet, grocery stores, cell phones, electricity, tv, etc- that would still all be available, of course. that and quite a bit more, it seems. a city of that size, age, and stature is a truly mythological creature, which will most likely end up enfolding one in so many layers of mystery that the person becomes virtually unrecognizable in a matter of weeks.
was I ready for that? was nathalie ready for that? were the other important people in my life ready for that? were the billions of strangers on earth ready for that? were they deeply concerned? were they attuned to the gifts and demands of this truly mystical dragon of pure opportunity? and if they weren't, was it my job to tip them all off in some way? was this why I had been asked to leave my post at bizan university?
heavy matters indeed, so I turn to the only voice I can trust in a situation like this:
unimaginable, unspeakable, that doesn’t matter, the attempt must be made, in the old stories incomprehensibly mine, to find his, it must be there somewhere, it must have been mine, before being his, I’ll recognize it, in the end I’ll recognize it, the story of the silence that he never left, that I should never have left, that I may never find again, that I may find again, then it will be he, it will be I, it will be the place, the silence, the end, the beginning, the beginning again, how can I say it, that’s all words, they’re all I have, and not many of them, the words fail, the voice fails, so be it, I know that well, it will be the silence, full of murmurs, distant cries, the usual silence, spent listening, spent waiting, waiting for the voice, the cries abate, like all cries, that is to say they stop, the murmurs cease, they give up, the voice begins again, it begins trying again, quick now before there is none left, no voice left, nothing left but the core of murmurs, distant cries, quick now and try again, with the words that remain, try what, I don’t know, I’ve forgotten, it doesn’t matter, I never knew, to have them carry me into my story, the words that remain, my old story, which I’ve forgotten, far from here, through the noise, through the door, into the silence, that must be it, it’s too late, perhaps it’s too late, perhaps they have, how would I know, in the silence you don’t know, perhaps it’s the door, perhaps I’m at the door, that would surprise me, perhaps it’s I, perhaps somewhere or other it was I, I can depart, all this time I’ve journeyed without knowing it, it’s I now at the door, what door, what’s a door doing here, it’s the last words, the true last, or it’s the murmurs, the murmurs are coming, I know that well, no, not even that, you talk of murmurs, distant cries, as long as you can talk, you talk of them before and you talk of them after, more lies, it will be the silence, the one that doesn’t last, spent listening, spent waiting, for it to be broken, for the voice to break it, perhaps there’s no other, I don’t know, it’s not worth having, that’s all I know, it’s not I, that’s all I know, it’s not mine, it’s the only one I ever had, that’s a lie, I must have had the other, the one that lasts, but it didn’t last, I don’t understand, that is to say it did, it still lasts, I’m still in it, I left myself behind in it, I’m waiting for me there, no, there you don’t wait, you don’t listen, I don’t know, perhaps it’s a dream, all a dream, that would surprise me, I’ll wake, in the silence, and never sleep again, it will be I, or dream, dream again, dream of a silence, a dream silence, full of murmurs, I don’t know, that’s all words, never wake, all words, there’s nothing else, you must go on, that’s all I know, they’re going to stop, I know that well, I can feel it, they’re going to abandon me, it will be the silence, for a moment, a good few moments, or it will be mine, the lasting one, that didn’t last, that still lasts, it will be I, you must go on, I can’t go on, you must go on, I’ll go on, you must say words, as long as there are any, until they find me, until they say me, strange pain, strange sin, you must go on, perhaps it’s done already, perhaps they have said me already, perhaps they have carried me to the threshold of my story, before the door that opens on my story, that would surprise me, if it opens, it will be I, it will be the silence, where I am, I don’t know, I’ll never know, in the silence you don’t know, you must go on, I can’t go on, I’ll go on.
(if you are already familiar with this line of thinking, go ahead and skip to the last few sentences of this post and you'll discover how I neatly tie everything up and move on. I'm not a teacher, not a student, not a writer or reader, not a part of nature but not entirely apart from it either.)
nature wants other activities, maybe.
if life gives you lemons, simply concoct lemonade. that's probably the most straightforward position to take in regards to our difficulty.
for what it's worth, I sold lemonade out in the front yard as a lad. I'm starting to get my resume in order again, and these are the sort of bizarre facts that sometimes come back to one in that precarious state- putting your whole life down on paper for a stranger to read and assess, and come to a decision in regards to your overall worth to, for, in and even in spite of the company.
one definition of the word "company" is simply this: other people. as in, I know other people. other people know me. I like other people. other people like me. other people often have a better sense of how to navigate the media landscape. other people are weary of always being told what to think, do, and feel. I watch other people from my studio window at night coming in and out of the grocery store, most of them talking to other people on some sort of handheld device.
that’s all words, they’re all I have, and not many of them, the words fail, the voice fails, so be it, I know that well, it will be the silence, full of murmurs, distant cries, the usual silence, spent listening, spent waiting, waiting for the voice, the cries abate, like all cries, that is to say they stop, the murmurs cease, they give up, the voice begins again, it begins trying again, quick now before there is none left, no voice left, nothing left but the core of murmurs, distant cries, quick now and try again, with the words that remain, try what, I don’t know, I’ve forgotten, it doesn’t matter, I never knew, to have them carry me into my next teaching position in china, the words that remain, my old story, which I’ve forgotten, far from here, through the noise, through the door, into the silence, that must be it, it’s too late, perhaps it’s too late, perhaps they have, how would I know, in the silence you don’t know, perhaps it’s the door, perhaps I’m at the door, that would surprise me, indeed, I thought I was out in the middle of nowhere- no internet, no tv, no electric hook-ups, etc- all this business one hears about getting "back to the land", "cultivating the spirit", "invoking the goddess", "slaying the inner dragon", etc. mythological? maybe. helpful? hard to say. it depends.
the unknown term: physicality
the blanket draped: lost identity.
is that a bad thing or a good thing?
what about globalization?
what if we stopped talking about it for a couple of minutes?
well, what else could we talk about?
the era before globalization...
is there anyone around here qualified to speak about that?
the unknown term: sexuality
the blanket lifts: new identity
wanted to meet with them but somehow was
unable to meet with them.
(alignment doesn't necessarily occur automatically)
the deep night; the inter-state.
(old people pal-ing around in an alleyway)
wanted to learn something important
but only learned something trivial.
the unknown term: reachability
the blanket rips: connectivity
(I wrote you a super weird poem and was simply
too confused to deliver it.)
creative writing, geology, demographics, media studies, art history-
bury me, timeless friend-
exchange these new clothes for ancient ones.
the other answer was: it depends.
nathalie, it turns out, wasn't terribly fond of those answers. I joined the creative writing faculty at bizan university and it turns out that she wasn't terribly fond of that activity, either.
she wanted other activities, maybe.
more refined? it depends.
we all have different tastes when it comes to education, whether it be higher or lower.
the difficult problem kept coming back, again and again, and it makes sense that we would start to look for a solution in earnest.
one of these solutions involved living out in a wilderness area, far away from other people, far away from the internet, grocery stores, cell phone towers, electric hook-ups, tv, etc.
but we really liked all these things and weren't quite ready to part with them!
even if this was the one solution that would probably work, we really liked these things and weren't quite ready to part with them!
one of the other potential solutions involved doctors, medicines, clinics, driving long distances, and selling almost all of our worldly possessions.
this wasn't very appealing either, but for totally different reasons, of course.
we were in a serious bind!
was almost starting to look like one of your classic lose-lose situations!
I left the creative writing faculty at bizan university because I couldn't keep my mind focused on the duties and people at hand. although they seemed to sorta like me on a personal level, most of my colleagues and students agreed that I probably wasn't tenure material. this wasn't easy to hear, believe it or not, even for someone like me who ostensibly values and cultivates "radical honesty." I quietly packed up my books and drove home around midnight, leaving the keys under the office door for whoever would be using it next.
I needed other activities, maybe.
less refined? it depends.
we all have different tastes when it comes to preferred reading material, and that's precisely the way that it should be- the folks at bizan had probably taught me everything that they could, and maybe the inverse was also true- who can finally say? as writers we are accustomed to groping around in the dark-
one of the other less likely but also potential solutions involved living in beijing for a couple of years. technically that's about as far from a wilderness area as one can possibly get, but for a person like me it represented a pretty serious move- the internet, grocery stores, cell phones, electricity, tv, etc- that would still all be available, of course. that and quite a bit more, it seems. a city of that size, age, and stature is a truly mythological creature, which will most likely end up enfolding one in so many layers of mystery that the person becomes virtually unrecognizable in a matter of weeks.
was I ready for that? was nathalie ready for that? were the other important people in my life ready for that? were the billions of strangers on earth ready for that? were they deeply concerned? were they attuned to the gifts and demands of this truly mystical dragon of pure opportunity? and if they weren't, was it my job to tip them all off in some way? was this why I had been asked to leave my post at bizan university?
heavy matters indeed, so I turn to the only voice I can trust in a situation like this:
unimaginable, unspeakable, that doesn’t matter, the attempt must be made, in the old stories incomprehensibly mine, to find his, it must be there somewhere, it must have been mine, before being his, I’ll recognize it, in the end I’ll recognize it, the story of the silence that he never left, that I should never have left, that I may never find again, that I may find again, then it will be he, it will be I, it will be the place, the silence, the end, the beginning, the beginning again, how can I say it, that’s all words, they’re all I have, and not many of them, the words fail, the voice fails, so be it, I know that well, it will be the silence, full of murmurs, distant cries, the usual silence, spent listening, spent waiting, waiting for the voice, the cries abate, like all cries, that is to say they stop, the murmurs cease, they give up, the voice begins again, it begins trying again, quick now before there is none left, no voice left, nothing left but the core of murmurs, distant cries, quick now and try again, with the words that remain, try what, I don’t know, I’ve forgotten, it doesn’t matter, I never knew, to have them carry me into my story, the words that remain, my old story, which I’ve forgotten, far from here, through the noise, through the door, into the silence, that must be it, it’s too late, perhaps it’s too late, perhaps they have, how would I know, in the silence you don’t know, perhaps it’s the door, perhaps I’m at the door, that would surprise me, perhaps it’s I, perhaps somewhere or other it was I, I can depart, all this time I’ve journeyed without knowing it, it’s I now at the door, what door, what’s a door doing here, it’s the last words, the true last, or it’s the murmurs, the murmurs are coming, I know that well, no, not even that, you talk of murmurs, distant cries, as long as you can talk, you talk of them before and you talk of them after, more lies, it will be the silence, the one that doesn’t last, spent listening, spent waiting, for it to be broken, for the voice to break it, perhaps there’s no other, I don’t know, it’s not worth having, that’s all I know, it’s not I, that’s all I know, it’s not mine, it’s the only one I ever had, that’s a lie, I must have had the other, the one that lasts, but it didn’t last, I don’t understand, that is to say it did, it still lasts, I’m still in it, I left myself behind in it, I’m waiting for me there, no, there you don’t wait, you don’t listen, I don’t know, perhaps it’s a dream, all a dream, that would surprise me, I’ll wake, in the silence, and never sleep again, it will be I, or dream, dream again, dream of a silence, a dream silence, full of murmurs, I don’t know, that’s all words, never wake, all words, there’s nothing else, you must go on, that’s all I know, they’re going to stop, I know that well, I can feel it, they’re going to abandon me, it will be the silence, for a moment, a good few moments, or it will be mine, the lasting one, that didn’t last, that still lasts, it will be I, you must go on, I can’t go on, you must go on, I’ll go on, you must say words, as long as there are any, until they find me, until they say me, strange pain, strange sin, you must go on, perhaps it’s done already, perhaps they have said me already, perhaps they have carried me to the threshold of my story, before the door that opens on my story, that would surprise me, if it opens, it will be I, it will be the silence, where I am, I don’t know, I’ll never know, in the silence you don’t know, you must go on, I can’t go on, I’ll go on.
(if you are already familiar with this line of thinking, go ahead and skip to the last few sentences of this post and you'll discover how I neatly tie everything up and move on. I'm not a teacher, not a student, not a writer or reader, not a part of nature but not entirely apart from it either.)
nature wants other activities, maybe.
less defined? it depends.
we all have different tastes when it comes to specificity in interpersonal language use. some of my students told me frankly that I was wasting both my time and theirs. they told me that I too needed to find a fortified bunker somewhere, like the guy in notes from the underground, which I introduced a few of them to.
did they enjoy it? depends. maybe not right away. he's a caustic fellow, that narrator. a sick man. an angry and desolate man. dostoevsky was deliberately presenting us with an almost unsolvable problem. he presents us with a character who has some truly fucked up activities. as we're reading, we get sucked in, and almost participate alongside him, against our will, in some cases- such is the mystery and terror of certain pieces of literature. an author of that size, age, and stature is a truly mythological creature, who will most likely end up enfolding one in so many layers of displaced/virtual/empathic reality that the reader becomes unrecognizable to self and others in a matter of pages.
did they enjoy it? depends. maybe not right away. he's a caustic fellow, that narrator. a sick man. an angry and desolate man. dostoevsky was deliberately presenting us with an almost unsolvable problem. he presents us with a character who has some truly fucked up activities. as we're reading, we get sucked in, and almost participate alongside him, against our will, in some cases- such is the mystery and terror of certain pieces of literature. an author of that size, age, and stature is a truly mythological creature, who will most likely end up enfolding one in so many layers of displaced/virtual/empathic reality that the reader becomes unrecognizable to self and others in a matter of pages.
oh well.
for what it's worth, I sold lemonade out in the front yard as a lad. I'm starting to get my resume in order again, and these are the sort of bizarre facts that sometimes come back to one in that precarious state- putting your whole life down on paper for a stranger to read and assess, and come to a decision in regards to your overall worth to, for, in and even in spite of the company.
one definition of the word "company" is simply this: other people. as in, I know other people. other people know me. I like other people. other people like me. other people often have a better sense of how to navigate the media landscape. other people are weary of always being told what to think, do, and feel. I watch other people from my studio window at night coming in and out of the grocery store, most of them talking to other people on some sort of handheld device.
that’s all words, they’re all I have, and not many of them, the words fail, the voice fails, so be it, I know that well, it will be the silence, full of murmurs, distant cries, the usual silence, spent listening, spent waiting, waiting for the voice, the cries abate, like all cries, that is to say they stop, the murmurs cease, they give up, the voice begins again, it begins trying again, quick now before there is none left, no voice left, nothing left but the core of murmurs, distant cries, quick now and try again, with the words that remain, try what, I don’t know, I’ve forgotten, it doesn’t matter, I never knew, to have them carry me into my next teaching position in china, the words that remain, my old story, which I’ve forgotten, far from here, through the noise, through the door, into the silence, that must be it, it’s too late, perhaps it’s too late, perhaps they have, how would I know, in the silence you don’t know, perhaps it’s the door, perhaps I’m at the door, that would surprise me, indeed, I thought I was out in the middle of nowhere- no internet, no tv, no electric hook-ups, etc- all this business one hears about getting "back to the land", "cultivating the spirit", "invoking the goddess", "slaying the inner dragon", etc. mythological? maybe. helpful? hard to say. it depends.
the unknown term: physicality
the blanket draped: lost identity.
is that a bad thing or a good thing?
what about globalization?
what if we stopped talking about it for a couple of minutes?
well, what else could we talk about?
the era before globalization...
is there anyone around here qualified to speak about that?
the unknown term: sexuality
the blanket lifts: new identity
wanted to meet with them but somehow was
unable to meet with them.
(alignment doesn't necessarily occur automatically)
the deep night; the inter-state.
(old people pal-ing around in an alleyway)
wanted to learn something important
but only learned something trivial.
the unknown term: reachability
the blanket rips: connectivity
(I wrote you a super weird poem and was simply
too confused to deliver it.)
creative writing, geology, demographics, media studies, art history-
bury me, timeless friend-
exchange these new clothes for ancient ones.
a weave
earliest era of what might be still-coded
"pure circulation of emptiness."
wilson, lawrence, argyle, winnemac, foster, and hollywood,
and then, utterly spent, all the way back
to the montrose caverns and visitor center.
most recent, most reverent, most reviled, redundant, etc.
placing the p a l m fac edo w no n w a t e r,
and then illegally hanging in there all evening
to experience the whole situation reverting to ice.
early morning vedic strollers and ancient tai chi practitioners;
arvo part, brian eno, sotl, radiohead, spires that in the sunset rise, smog, npr, global oversights, static, black tie add-ons, trance, landfills, slivers in nothingness softly emerging out of a much wiser lens and/or arena, lichens, zelienople, ben frost, dead can dance, maya, u2, terry riley, sangster, magnetic fields, george crumb, john cage, morton feldman, somei satoh, jeremy enigk, cisfinitum, aphex twin, rachel's, pan sonic, appleface, pink floyd, aidan baker, the cure, elliott smith, dandy warhols, lit harmonics, the the, jane's addiction, the smiths, rem, smashing pumpkins, phil niblock, steve reich, zoe keating, the verve, massive attack, small surrender, lawrence english, thomas koner, the church, the bolshoi, xtc, leonard cohen, nick drake, the sundays, that's how we do it sometimes in spite of apocalypses, melancholy or otherwise. (like tricky said: "insignificant, one more ism, no more, no less.")
even though I'm in kyoto
it doesn't mean I don't or can't long for kyoto.
middle-aged
caffeine-wasted
hovering outside the bank escalator
to grand central seizure on canal st. and adams.
the storage unit is
until the other storage unit is not
blue magic marker
rain helixes
patterns
blinking lights
waves of _____.
roads were gravel and woodchips,
cells were stonepulp with wireless,
mango juice accidentally spilled into the guts of the typewriter,
so a quick piece of junk sculpture goes up
in the bay window tonight,
and when it's dry,
dipped in acid and shelved next to the
black mechanical pencil.
cat walks & escapes
from "unforeseen" fire events,
the desk clerk remembers me from some old telescoping decatur catastrophe.
-criminey, dude- we were lucky to get away with our lives!
-people in earlier eras would have been decimated like the lesser barrier reefs!
-or the ice age.
-the enlightenment.
-the first of the great species-wide "die-offs", allegedly.
-if you say so.
-dude, I say so.
-I've spent time at the uptown branch library.
-you mean on buena, between broadway and sheridan?
-that's it, dude.
-the circulation desk person there has a crush on me!
-we commence a love affair that lasts for as long as it takes me to walk her back to the group home.
-we're all a little bit crazy here, sir.
-hey; you should see where I'm living these days!
-single room occupant, so-called?
-that's a term that gets thrown around a little too loosely, I think.
-yeah, me too.
we end up jumping on the red line at roosevelt, after taking in the public sculpture called agora and once again getting our minds quietly blown up and reconstituted.
the city grows older, while we revert back to grade school lingo. I crouch down and lap up some oily slush from the gutter.
she's already given up trying to make me a healthier or more ethical eater, so she just smiles when I stand up and wipe my mouth with my coat sleeve, little pieces of ash, wire, and paper still stuck here and there in my ridiculous mountain man beard.
"pure circulation of emptiness."
wilson, lawrence, argyle, winnemac, foster, and hollywood,
and then, utterly spent, all the way back
to the montrose caverns and visitor center.
most recent, most reverent, most reviled, redundant, etc.
placing the p a l m fac edo w no n w a t e r,
and then illegally hanging in there all evening
to experience the whole situation reverting to ice.
early morning vedic strollers and ancient tai chi practitioners;
arvo part, brian eno, sotl, radiohead, spires that in the sunset rise, smog, npr, global oversights, static, black tie add-ons, trance, landfills, slivers in nothingness softly emerging out of a much wiser lens and/or arena, lichens, zelienople, ben frost, dead can dance, maya, u2, terry riley, sangster, magnetic fields, george crumb, john cage, morton feldman, somei satoh, jeremy enigk, cisfinitum, aphex twin, rachel's, pan sonic, appleface, pink floyd, aidan baker, the cure, elliott smith, dandy warhols, lit harmonics, the the, jane's addiction, the smiths, rem, smashing pumpkins, phil niblock, steve reich, zoe keating, the verve, massive attack, small surrender, lawrence english, thomas koner, the church, the bolshoi, xtc, leonard cohen, nick drake, the sundays, that's how we do it sometimes in spite of apocalypses, melancholy or otherwise. (like tricky said: "insignificant, one more ism, no more, no less.")
even though I'm in kyoto
it doesn't mean I don't or can't long for kyoto.
middle-aged
caffeine-wasted
hovering outside the bank escalator
to grand central seizure on canal st. and adams.
the storage unit is
until the other storage unit is not
blue magic marker
rain helixes
patterns
blinking lights
waves of _____.
roads were gravel and woodchips,
cells were stonepulp with wireless,
mango juice accidentally spilled into the guts of the typewriter,
so a quick piece of junk sculpture goes up
in the bay window tonight,
and when it's dry,
dipped in acid and shelved next to the
black mechanical pencil.
cat walks & escapes
from "unforeseen" fire events,
the desk clerk remembers me from some old telescoping decatur catastrophe.
-criminey, dude- we were lucky to get away with our lives!
-people in earlier eras would have been decimated like the lesser barrier reefs!
-or the ice age.
-the enlightenment.
-the first of the great species-wide "die-offs", allegedly.
-if you say so.
-dude, I say so.
-I've spent time at the uptown branch library.
-you mean on buena, between broadway and sheridan?
-that's it, dude.
-the circulation desk person there has a crush on me!
-we commence a love affair that lasts for as long as it takes me to walk her back to the group home.
-we're all a little bit crazy here, sir.
-hey; you should see where I'm living these days!
-single room occupant, so-called?
-that's a term that gets thrown around a little too loosely, I think.
-yeah, me too.
we end up jumping on the red line at roosevelt, after taking in the public sculpture called agora and once again getting our minds quietly blown up and reconstituted.
the city grows older, while we revert back to grade school lingo. I crouch down and lap up some oily slush from the gutter.
she's already given up trying to make me a healthier or more ethical eater, so she just smiles when I stand up and wipe my mouth with my coat sleeve, little pieces of ash, wire, and paper still stuck here and there in my ridiculous mountain man beard.
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