Wednesday, June 17, 2015

late night radio excerpt

"Sheila, one of the things you have to keep in mind if you're going to keep asking me about Moon Patrol is tha"

"But I'm NOT asking you about Moon Patrol- I HAVEN'T asked you about Moon Patrol- if you want to keep reading Moon Patrol into all of my questions, tha"

"But the parallels are so obvious! And in this case the parallels meet! Instead of scrolling horizontally, we scroll vertically. You think that's a coincidence? Instead of UFOS, we have robber barons. We size up, we take aim, and with a few well-placed words we imagine we are protected for a couple more seconds. But there's no end to them, Sheila! And there was no clear beginning! Scouring the moon's surface for fir"

"Look, Greg, I know the video game is a classic. The moon has instigated wonder and obsession for as long a"

"But that's precisely why we're on patrol! And precisely why we never find anything! There's no pause button in the original game. You just keep hurtling forward, jumping over craters, collecting samples, and fending off UFOS. Facebook leads us along an eerily similar path. The theme music might seem dated but if you analyze its structure, th"

"How old were you when you first stumbled across this hidden dimension?"

"Junior High, probably. Maybe a little bit earlier. A simpler time, really. A more innocent time, in many ways. Gave me the opportunity to b"

"Is there anything else that you would like to tell our listeners about those awkward early teen years?"


"Go ahead, then."

"Uh, I think it might be inappropriate."

"Even better."

"Well, sometimes I would simulate intercourse by lowering my member into a pot of warm oatmeal and moving it back and forth rhythmically."


"Yeah, sorry about that."

"No, no, don't be sorry. Have you ever told anyone about this before?"


"Why not?"

"People are so freaky, Sheila."


"Did you ever do anything similar?"


"Like, with food."

"Ya know, Greg, crazy as it sounds, I don't really feel comfortable talking about that on air."

"But maybe you'll talk about it off air?"

"Very unlikely."

"Do you wanna hear more stuff about the oatmeal? Moon Patrol?"


"Depends on what?"


"Greg, did you ever see the movie Pete's Dragon?"


"Well, do you remember that scene with the Cowboy?"


"And he's telling Pete about driving the buggy and fixing his attitude?"


"Well, those are the sort of questions I would like to explore before we finish up."

"No prob. You mean about the good life and all?"

"Yes. The life more abundant."

"More abundant than what?"

"Well, your adventures with oatmeal, for starters."

"Not sure I wanna get into what happened after my oatmeal phase."

"Why not?"

"People are so predictable, Sheila."


"So was it good ol' Quaker Oats?"

"No, just a generic brand. But I added almonds and brown sugar and raisins and peanut butter and milk. All that stuff got churned in thoroughly while I was... well, you know."


"So you can see there was sort of a practical aspect to it as well."