Thursday, June 18, 2015


according to officials at the jonathan swift institute of public policy, some people enjoyed participating in the telephone interview, some did so halfheartedly, some refused altogether, and some unleashed very foul language directly at the interviewers themselves, bypassing the institution's shadow agenda completely, impure and terrible language, intending to tear down the interviewer's sense of dignity and inherent self-worth, language that was not aligned with a human being's ostensibly spiritual nature, or something, language that caused everyone within earshot to visibly cringe and lower their heads, either in prayer or  wishing themselves gone from the scene or even the planet, however futile, outlandish, or cowardly those secret wishes might be, all related to the sickness characterized by such  colorful language, nasty, perverse, yucky language that needs to go away, far away, or at least needs to go and get re-educated somewhere, learning to talk nicely and focus on positive or interesting subjects, at least when it comes to anonymous telephone interviews.

according to officials, the interviewers had been trained to expect this, and only a very few loose cannons among them returned the harsh and/or colorful language directly back at the interviewee. in some cases this turned into a sparring match or contest of wits, which on a few occasions went on for well over an hour, the two parties trading increasingly venomous barbs, until one or the other had to move onto some other important scheduled activity.

this creates an image problem, warned the officials. it is admittedly a very sensitive issue. it's ok if individuals don't want to open up about that kind of stuff. we're just trying to take the pulse of average, everyday sort of people, and if they find that too intrusive, hey, no problem, just back down and bid them good day.

even so, 40% of adults admitted to eating their own or another's you-know-what as children, 25% of that number admitted to continuing the practice well into adulthood, 20% of that number said it would most likely continue indefinitely, and 7% reported that they had eaten this item in the last 24 hours.

there is no judgement here, officials told the interviewers during the 3 hours of paid training. the relationship human beings have with their own or another's waste is a delicate matter. some people's taste buds are quite a bit sharper than others. some people are risk-takers. some people will try anything once.